Blame it on the Alcohol
by Seren147
Summary: Bakura comes home and finds the unexpected: A drunk Ryou.  Is this his chance to finally get lucky? Or will this night turn out to be his worst nightmare?  Read it and see!  Crackfic, BxR, YYxY, YMxM!


Umm, hello there! This is Seren147, at your service with a new crackfic! I wrote this the other night, but didn't get a chance to upload it, and I didn't realize how crack-ish this was until I went back and re-read it! I almost didn't post it because it is not my usual style, but I did find it humorous and figured what the hay. Please let me know how and if you liked! And yes, I DID go there with the title lol!

Ratings: Bakura drops a lot of F-bombs. Is anyone surpirsed? Also, some sexual reference. Again, is anyone surprised? LOL.

And now, on to the crack!

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><p><strong><em>Blame it on the Alcohol<em>**

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><p>Bakura slid his keys into the lock, twisting it while pushing the door open into the ground-floor apartment he shared with Ryou. He walked in, kicking the door shut behind him with his foot. "What…the…fu-phhffthth!"<p>

There was something in his mouth! He spastically started spitting and clawing it, trying to stop whatever was choking him! They'd be sorry! He'd show them! He finally spit what looked like wadded pink paper on to the floor and promptly stomped on it.

"Geez…say it, don't spray it, Bakura."

Bakura glared at the annoying Egyptian who had welcomed him so kindly into his own home. "Shut the fuck up, Malik. What are you even doing here? I thought I remembered saying no gay bedazzled Egyptians allowed."

"You're just jealous Bakura, because I pull off bling better than you do. A giant golden ring with an _eye_ in the middle of it? That's SO 2000 B.C. of you."

Bakura flipped him the bird and walked further into the living room, calling out Ryou's name.

Just what _were_ these gods-awful fruity colored….things hanging around anyway? They nearly killed him walking in! He swiped at one as he walked into the kitchen, tearing it down and balling it up into submission.

Ryou was sitting at the kitchen table, laughing with all of Bakura's known sworn enemies. He glowered at the Pharaoh for good measure, then threw the colorful wadded up ball in front of Ryou.

"What the fuck is that! And why are all these people here! You KNOW I don't like any of them, Ryou!"

He heard the pipsqueak Yugi mutter something about "subtlety" but chose to ignore it.

"Ryou!" He slammed his hand down on the table. "This is serious business! What is all this!"

Ryou smiled up at him. "Relax Bakura! Can't you see we're all just chillin' here? And that," he pointed at the wadded up ball, "is one of my streamers. Yugi and Malik and Yami and even Marik helped me put them up! We're celebrating!"

Bakura stared at Ryou like he had grown an extra head. …'Chillin'?' Ryou and slang did not go together. Well, that was definitely weird.

He chose to ignore all this for a moment, instead focusing on the last part of what Ryou had said.

"Oh good, Marik is here? At least one other sane person is around then, besides me. I have the strong urge to find him and consume vast quantities of alcohol until all you fucks leave already. Not including you of course, Ryou." He started walking towards the back door, presuming that Marik would be in the back, smoking a cigarette. He had just reached the door when he stopped short.

Wait…celebrating? He quickly tried to run through important dates in his mind. Ryou's birthday? Their anniversary? Christmas? For fuck's sake, which was it? And why couldn't he remember when any of those days were!

He knew he was going to regret this.

"Celebrate…what….?" He slowly turned to face Ryou, feeling impending doom by RyouEmo fit. He could see it now...

"_But why! How! How could you forget, Bakura! I can't believe you!" Ryou running off, hysterical, somehow surprised all over again that Bakura was an ass and not good at this relationship thing they had. Crying into his pillow, dramatic uke style, until Bakura came in to hold him and kiss him and –maybe- tickle him into a giggle fit of submission._

'Oh Ra…,' Bakura thought, 'Please…anything but that! Every time I have to resort to tickling it's like my manhood is being ripped away!'

He hung his head in shame.

"We're celebrating friendship day!" Yugi yelled from across the room. "After all, the only ship worth a damn is friendship!" This outburst was followed by a hiccup and a giggle. "Or something like that anyway."

Ryou followed the twerp's giggling fit with one of his own. "That…that was SO deep, Yugi."

Bakura narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

Something was wrong here.

He looked around and took in the scene. Yugi and Ryou, giggling like maniacs. Yami, NOT giving him a death glare for once, instead focused on not-so-subtly feeling his way up Yugi's thigh. Malik having followed Bakura into the kitchen, calmly leaning up against the counter, drinking something out of a red cup.

And there were more! Why hadn't he noticed that before? Red cups everywhere!

It could only mean one thing.

"MALIK ISHTAR! You. Gave. Ryou. ALCOHOL!" He stormed over to the lithe Egyptian. "What the fuck were you thinking!" He grabbed the red cup out of Malik's hand in anger, preparing to yell until kingdom come.

Then he realized...

OH. DEAR. RA. NO.

His stash!

They were drinking his stash!

His hand started shaking with anger, crushing the cup in his grip.

"You gave them my stash?" He ground out.

"A little fruit juice and they thought it was punch! They couldn't stop drinking it. You should have been here." Malik crossed his arms in self-satisfaction. "My job here is done for the night. I am sufficiently entertained. You can't imagine how much of a bore this party was before I got it started."

"GOT IT STARTED WITH MY STASH! I fully expect you to repay me for what you stole!"

Malik gave an entertained chuckle. "Hmmm, and here I thought _you_ were the thief king! They must have needed someone younger and prettier for the job."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "You just wait until I tell Marik about all this. I don't know how he puts up with you, honestly."

With that, Bakura turned and strode out into the back yard, where he did indeed find Marik sitting in the dark, smoking a cigarette.

"Just what the fuck is the matter with your stupid boyfriend! He gave them all my stash! OUR stash, might I add, as you drink enough of it when you come over! You need to discipline him! Learn him some manners, or some shit like that."

Marik barked out a short laugh. "Well, I _was_ trying to wait until you got home, but you took so damn long. I got bored, popped a bottle…" he shrugged. "It went from there."

"Went from there?" Bakura echoed, horrified at Marik's non-outrage.

"Yeah. Like I said."

"Well, care to elaborate any further?" Bakura nearly shrieked, finding it hard to contain himself.

Marik looked up at him. "Fine. You want the truth? Malik promised me a blow job later if I let him give it to the dorks in there." He smirked. "And I can't say I wasn't curious to see what would happen either. Unfortunately that backfired on me cuz all they're doing is sitting and giggling. Even more boring than when they're sober. I was hoping to see something more interesting."

"Yeah, well if you like making yourself sick, you can go watch Yami trying to molest Yugi if you want. Unsuccessfully, I might add."

Marik laughed. "Even drunk, Yami has no game! Ok, this I do have to see." He smothered his cigarette, and then stood up. "I need a new drink anyway, I'm not even feeling buzzed."

They walked back into the house together, jaws dropping open at the scene.

"But…but…I was only gone for two minutes!" Bakura exclaimed.

Yugi was now on top of the dining table in nothing but his dark magician briefs, _gyrating_.

Bakura suppressed a shudder.

Yami was staring up at Yugi, with what looked like yen balled up in his stupid fists, muttering what was sure to be dirty old man talk up at Yugi.

Ryou was standing by Malik, wearing his clothes, while Malik wore nothing but some whipped cream over his crotch area. He just finished putting a dab on his left nipple when he looked up at Bakura and Marik.

"Oh hey guys! Bakura, I was wrong before. NOW the party has finally gotten started!" He laughed evilly and licked whipped cream off of his finger.

Bakura glared at him and stormed over to Ryou. "Just what do you think you're doing wearing that moron's clothes! Get out of them this instant!" He grabbed Ryou by the elbow, yanking him a few steps away from Malik.

"Relax, 'Kura…don't you think I'm sexy?" He ran his hand up his torso in what Bakura was sure Ryou thought a seductive manner. "Now I'm Egyptian, just like you." He stumbled forward, flinging his arms around Bakura's neck. Before Bakura could respond, Ryou had his tongue in his mouth and was thoroughly kissing him.

Well…it was hard to argue with that. Usually Ryou was a prude. So could you really blame a guy?

He growled into their kiss, wrapping his arms around Ryou and pulling him even closer to him. Eventually, he broke the kiss to lick a wet, sloppy trail down Ryou's neck.

"Ai-Aibou! We need to do THAT!" A voice called out from behind them.

The goddamn pharaoh. He had forgotten he was there. Watching _them._

He struggled within himself. A horny, uninhibited Ryou. But with a perverted jackass pharaoh watching them. But horny! But perverted! His mind struggled back and forth. Horny! Perverted! Horny! Perverted! He willed himself to pull away from Ryou. He had pride; he wouldn't do anything that might get that pervert pharaoh off. There were just some things he couldn't live with in the morning.

"Go home! There's no show here!" he snarled. "Take your whiny hikari and go ravage him somewhere away from my tortured eyes and ears!"

Someone slapped him on the back and put a red cup in front of his face. "Chill, Bakura. Have something to drink. Loosen up a bit."

Bakura glared darkly at Marik, but took the drink. Maybe that _was_ the answer. He could just get drunk, per usual, and wake up with no memory of this in the morning. Seemed like a good idea. He threw his head back and downed the drink.

"Holy shit, Marik, that tastes like pink lip gloss and bubble gum or some shit like that. Give me a _real_ drink."

"Coming right up…" Marik said with a sly note in his voice. He exchanged a knowing look with Malik before taking Bakura's cup to go pour him another drink.

'Please Ra,' Bakura prayed silently, 'Make them all go home soon. And make Ryou stay horny. And go down on me. And kill the pharaoh.'

He smiled to himself, taking his second cup from Marik. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe he _would_ get lucky with Ryou. He _was_ favored by the gods, wasn't he?

_**THE NEXT MORNING**_

Bakura struggled to open his eyes. His head was pounding. His mouth tasted foul. All the familiarities of a hangover were making themselves known to him.

'Well at least I succeeded in my plan to get drunk and forget everything.' He thought to himself.

Except…if he had forgotten everything, why did he remember that? He shook his head groggily and turned a bit, stretching his tight, cramped muscles. He was on the living room floor with not so much as a pillow beneath his head.

Someone let out a low moan next to him. He looked over and saw someone covered mostly in a blanket, part of the porcelain skin of their back showing.

He smiled to himself in triumph. He had done it! Ryou had finally stopped being a prude and had given it up to him!

He leaned over and trailed a finger down the skin, then kissed it lightly. "Ryou…" he said, softly.

The figure beneath the blanket rummaged around and soon he was face to face with…

"Oh dear Ra."

Yugi.

Horror overcame Bakura. He slowly brought his trembling fingers to his lips, which had just…_kissed_…that skin.

Then the spell broke, and in unison they both started screaming.

Bakura bolted up, yelling wildly. Except his head hurt, and that made him dizzy, so he fell back on his ass, managing to scream the whole way down.

Bakura barely noticed as the others slowly and painfully started sitting up around him. But then he saw another flash of black, gold, and crimson hair sit up next to Yugi, and then…darkness.

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><p>Slowly he became aware of muffled voices talking over him. He slowly opened his eyes, looking up to find Ryou, Malik, Marik, and Yugi's faces inches from his own. Yami stood over them.<p>

"Wh-What happened?"

"You fainted." Malik supplied helpfully, with a bit too much smugness in his voice.

The images all came back to him in a rush and he let out a horrified, shaky breath. Yugi next to him...Yami next to Yugi...it wasn't possible he...he...with them...was it?

"I…I…Yu…" It was all he could do to try to stutter it out.

"Oh for Pete's sake," Yugi rolled his eyes. "He woke up next to me and…kissed…my shoulder. He thought I was Ryou."

Malik let out an unrestrained peal of laughter. Bakura was still too horrified to even send a death glare his way.

"Did…did…we…" He could barely get the words out.

Yugi looked puzzled. "Did we? Sleep next to each other? Yes, it seems that way."

"N-No…Yugi…he…he wants to know…if you slept together!" Malik choked out laughing.

"What? EWW! NO!" Yugi made a face of disgust.

"I'll have you know, my aibou did not honor anyone else but me with his body last night." Yami looked around smugly, as if to prove a point. He didn't seem to notice that everyone else looked slightly grossed out. Or in Bakura's case, extremely grossed out paired with extreme relief.

"Oh thank you Ra!" Bakura exclaimed, sitting up. "I need aspirin. And quiet, now that I know the unthinkable hasn't occurred. I also need mouthwash. I can't believe my lips were…ugh!"

A clear, cheerful voice rang out from among the group.

"Well, I'll just go get coffee for everybody then, now that that's cleared up. Scones, anyone? I could bake us all some."

Everyone slowly looked around to where Ryou beamed at them all.

"What?" He asked, confused as to why everyone was looking at him like he was crazy.

"You don't feel like shit?" Malik asked plainly.

"Hmm? Oh, no, I feel fine! You all look a little worse for wear, though."

"I saw you last night though…you were wasted…"

"Maybe…I don't get hangovers?"

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Lucky bastard." Yugi mumbled.

Everyone's heads turned to look at him now.

"What?" Yugi exclaimed, "I'm hungover, give me a break!"

"Alright, it's settled then, I'll go put together a nice brunch for all of us, while you all clean yourselves up a bit." Ryou chirped in a rather motherly tone. It was kind of unsettling to Bakura. Nevertheless, he got his ass up from the floor and pulled Ryou aside.

"Heh…I don't suppose…_we_…did anything last night, did we?"

"Bakura…"

"Yes?" Maybe his voice did sound a little hopeful there.

"You're such a pervert. Now go brush your teeth." Ryou pulled away from him and went towards the kitchen to start their brunch.

"Well if he doesn't get hangovers, looks like we'll be doing this more often." Malik said, from behind him.

Bakura just turned around and glared.

~fin~

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><p>Hehehe...so what did you all think? I know it might be a little rough, maybe a little choppy, I didn't really go back through it and edit it the way I would a more "serious" fic. This one is just meant to be light, humorous, crack-ish, etc. Hopefully you all enjoyed. And if anybody caught a few Simpsons references, yes, they were there, and no, I'm not sure what I was thinking.<p>

Please review? ^_^

~Seren147


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